Big Dumb Rocket On My Mind

I still think about Caitlin a lot. There are many what ifs surrounding everything. What if I listened to her more instead of telling her that she was making herself sick? What if we did more things that friends do instead of whining about how miserable we were? What if her therapist had actually realized she wasn’t faking anorexia? What if I wasn’t such an asshole? What if I knew how to help her? What if I drove her to her eating disorder? What if her other friends knew how to help her?

Welp

My laptop died. Piece of shit has been circling the drain for some time now. Fuckin hell.

started reedin homestuck as wwell eel wwith it

(also from noww on expect shipty fish puns and deliberate mispellin and lack of punctuation enjoy)

I Forgot How Difficult This Is

I miss the medication. Been stuck in this stupid funk for 2 or 3 days now. It’s fucking awful. Sick of everything. No job. Can’t distract myself. Impotent anger. Deeply rooted misery. Whispers of death in the back of my mind (itstheonlywayoutonlywaytofeelbetter). Should have listened to my therapist. I should be in Edmonton. I should be in therapy. I should be on medication. Why did I leave?

“The Downfall of Media” pt. 1

Just watched a very heartbroken Todd In the Shadows do a vlog about the MTV Video Music awards.

You know what? If you look at just about any kind of current media, especially music and video games, and compare it to what it was a decade or more ago, you’ll find that current media seems boring, lack lustre and uninspired. You’ll also find that a lot of it seems very much alike. You might think I’m wearing the good old Nostalgia Goggles again, but I’m not.

It’s like we’ve reached a Shakespearean era of media. How many of you know that Shakespeare was not the first man to write “Romeo and Juliet”? How many of you know that the man before him was not the first, either? There was an era in time where stories were recycled over and over again. No one in that era wanted to hear or see anything unfamiliar. It’s like this now, just with music and video games. It’s like we don’t want anything new. How many video game titles have an obscene number of sequels? Final Fantasy The Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Super Mario, Megaman, Street Fighter, Castlevania, to name a few. Just what bands, musicians, and singers stand out at the forefront of music? Think about it. I don’t mean how they stand out via personality or how they dress. What do they bring to the metaphorical table that makes their music different?

Growing up in the 90′s exposed me to a lot of music. Nirvana, Our Lady Peace, Green Day, The Backstreet Boys, The Tragically Hip (good god I remember when Much Music played them every half hour), Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera. Listening to the radio wasn’t boring. Every artist had their own distinct sound. There was a lot that I didn’t like and that’s okay. DIVERSITY IS KEY. Listening to the radio now is boring. It all follows the same formula and is usually autotuned. Turn on Much Music and there is only TV shows that can be, and are, aired on other channels.

Reversion: Complete

I don’t remember. How being on the medication felt. How the transition felt. I don’t remember feeling. Feeling anything other than anger and emptiness.

Is there a future for me? I watch everyone around me constantly (heh) change, develop complex personalities and relationships, and forge on ahead through life. I stay the same. Static and boring. Eyes toward the ground, dreaming of something better.

I Hate All the Things I Love

I’m replaying Final Fantasy VII. Installed it, started a fresh file. “This is gonna be so great! I fucking love this game!” Played up to Fort Condor. “Everything about this game is retarded!” “What in the ever-flipping fuck were the script writers on? I want to know so I can avoid that shit!” Good God, the Nostalgia Goggles certainly filtered out a lot of shit. How did I not notice how awful this game was when I played it the first 5 times?

Why is it whenever I think of (or rewatch or replay) the things I love, I find that I actually HATE them. It’s awful. ALL THE FLAWS STICK OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB.

Here We Go Again

I don’t remember when my Prozac ran out. I can feel my thoughts, emotions (what little I have), habits and mannerisms revert to pre-medication. I should just off myself right now. I don’t want to do this again. Suicidal because I don’t want to be suicidal. THERE AREN’T ANY FUCKING DOCTORS WHO WILL PRESCRIBE ME MORE. So tempted to cut again. I need SOMETHING. Pain seems just as good as anything else. But I don’t WANT this. Help.

Fun Fact

It’s been so long since I last cut myself (2 years) that I totally forgot that I used to do it. I noticed the scars today when I sat down to drink my coffee. It seems absolutely ridiculous to have forgotten when I STILL HAVE ALL THE BLOODY KLEENEX. Packed away in a tiny box somewhere under my bed.

Oh, Okay…

Recently started watching Stargate Atlantis. I loved it up until I ran into some spoilers. Now I’m feeling stupidly disappointed. My favourite character dies. I really need a hug.

Did I Mention I Didn’t Graduate?

I don’t remember. Whatever. I’m probably going to do a G(eneral)E(ducation)D(iploma) course in September. I’ll actually have a chance at getting a decent job.

So, Yeah. Been A While.

Been an age since I last posted. There’s just nothing to say. Just been sitting around, Watching Glee, Dexter, Doctor Who and House all day. Nothing better to do.

…

It’s so uneventful here. Time seems to both go so slowly and so fast.

About Them Guilds…

I don’t like them post-Cata. People don’t want to join them for social reasons anymore. They just want the perks. There are guild recruiters camping starting zones, spamming guild invites. This is really fucking sad.

I miss my old guild, the Kings of Azeroth (Caelestrasz). I wasn’t terribly active in the guild chat and I never did any guild raiding, but they were my bros. The KoA disbanded* after the leader wanted to start a raiding guild. We were all invited to join, but I wasn’t really interested in raids 3-4 times a week. After KoA was gone, I left WoW for at least 6 months. I really missed the chat. I no longer had a sense of belonging. Without KoA, I was just a lone Night Elf Hunter. Who was/still is terrible at her class.

*When I say disbanded, I mean most people abandoned KoA. Don’t know if it’s still around.

Here We Go Again

Month off my medication. Suicidal. Fuck this shit. Can’t find a doctor who will refill my prescription.

Devastation

My WoW/Battlenet account was compromised tonight. Got an email from Blizzard. Can’t believe how upset I am. Can’t believe this happened. I thought I was being preemptive with multiple antivirus/malware/spyshit/whatever programs. Now I’m scanning my computer with Blizzard-approved programs and there are at least 3 malware programs running. Fuck this shit. Fuck it all. It’s taking me forever to write this because I now can’t spell for shit. Fuck being upset.

Recently Started PUGing

Started using the Dungeon Finder with my Worgen Mage. Found out I’m loving terrible at DPS. Found out that Mage AoE spells are useless. Not because  they don’t do anything, they draw soooooo much aggro. Just died during Blackrock Depths – Upper City. I was all like: “Hey there are a ton of derps attacking us! Let’s use Cone of Cold and Freeze!” Cue EVERY SINGLE DERP TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO ME. I died quickly. Tank was not pleased. I ragequit the dungeon. Real mature, amirite?

You Could Come Back To Life, You Know

I could resurrect you through writing. You’d be happy. You’d have a girlfriend, be far away from your needy mother and her verbally abusive boyfriend. That’s right, I said it. Needy. I haven’t met a needier person ever. I remember how Cindy used to be. She used to be kind and caring, even if she nagged more often than not. Now she’s controlling. But you don’t need to worry about that now. You’re dead.

This Year’s Wishlist

A computer that isn’t a piece of shit.

Been A While… Oops

Welp. We moved back out into the middle of nowhere. Had no Internet for several months. Felt like living under a rock.

Steadily gaining weight. Too damn cold to go outside (already).

Replaying Dragon Age Origins. Playing WoW again. Getting amped for Cataclysm. Wishing Mass Effect 3 will come out in the next year. Going to replay Neverwinter Nights 2.

Peace Walker

Oh man. Where to start with this game? The plot? Kojima’s lack of sanity and lack of coherent story telling?

Or perhaps I shall type random impressions it left on me.

Big Boss can’t let go of The Boss. Kazuhira Miller is just another womanizer. Dr. Strangelove can’t let go of The Boss, either. Paz is two-faced. Huey is the second biggest pushover ever. The Boss is the biggest pushover ever. I am terrible at stealth games. Heaven’s Divide is a boring song but I have it stuck in my head. The “date missions” are just wow in the worst way possible. Also Kojima is obsessed/in love with Che Guevara.

El Che this. Che Guevara that. El Che was the most complete man of [his] century. Multiple comparisons between El Che and Big Boss are scattered throughout the game. I swear, most of the characters in the game worship El Che. Even Big Boss; “I’m not good enough to polish his shoes.”