It’s so quiet. Everything is so loud. Silence ringing in my head. Everything is too loud. Even the silence. It hurts my ears. My brain is taking the punishment.
So detached from everything, but much too involved. Where am I? All I know is silence. Everything’s much too loud.
Where are my emotions? Just an automaton, a robot siting here. Silence is my only companion. It doesn’t take away the noise.
Unmedicated. Waiting for doctors to fix shit up. Seems my parents don’t want to wait for the doctors to make up their minds.
If they won’t wait, I’m not going with them to New Brunswick. I’ll be all alone here and that isn’t a very good idea.
Kinda reluctant to go back to meds, though. For the first time in over a month, I can think. I can concentrate. Just have to get over the withdrawal symptoms and I’ll be good to go.
EDIT: On second thought, why do I need this fucking medication? I’ve survived the last 7 years without ‘em.
Missing Caitlin. If I had a penny for every time I’ve wanted to talk to her after her death, I’d be a multi-millionaire. There’s so much shit that I still want to do with her, things I want to share with her.
I’m bitter, sad, angry. Bitter because during he last days she wanted to live. Sad because her life was cut short. Angry with her so-called “God”.
I want to cut. I want to cry. I want to kill things.
It’s so easy to destroy everything.
Life is useless.
Never miss a day of this shit. It will fuck you up.
The fuzziness has gone away. So has the good moods. Back to the way I was before the Prozac: miserable and suicidal.
Maybe I should start cutting again. Self-destruction sounds so fun.
Of all the ways you could’ve died, I didn’t think it’d be an asthma attack in your sleep. I just found out today… 3 days after the fact. Your parents (of course) are being quite anal about your friends contacting them, Darren being especially cunty. They won’t allow anyone other than family at your funeral. Somehow I think they won’t let Collin go to it, either.
I have this newspaper clipping of the recently departed (you being on there), and it’s kinda disturbing how you and one other person are so much younger than the rest of the people on the list.
How did you die, really? They said it appeared to be an asthma attack, but weren’t certain. Did you OD on your meds? I don’t blame you if you did. You’ve always wanted to die, and now you have. Is there an afterlife? Is it better there? Are you no longer in pain?
I have the urge to follow you. It feels impossible to imagine a life without you, knowing you are gone for good.
I find myself playing with my pill bottle. Hanging onto it like some kind of lifeline.
Fifth day of medication. It continues to turn my brain into a useless pile of goo.
First day of being medicated. Where is my brain? I can’t concentrate on anything very long. I’ve gotten so lost in thought today that it’s almost gotten me in trouble. And almost made me miss my bus stop. Someone please find my brain.
I start medication (Prozac) tomorrow morning.
This is a win.
Why did Sephiroth bother summoning Meteor, which takes a couple of weeks to get to and destroy the intended target, when he could’ve just summoned Super Nova like he does as Safer Seph? Super Nova is a comet that pretty much instantaneously travels to the FFVII version of our solar system, blasts through Pluto, past Saturn, cuts through Jupiter, and crashes into the sun. The sun in turn eats Mercury, Venus and then Earth.
So tired. Just want to stop existing. What’s the lethal dose of arsenic? I’m getting bored with life again.
Kelly’s found something better to do than ramble aimlessly at me in the mornings.
I beat The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion in under 35 hours. The main storyline, I mean, with about half the Dark Brotherhood quests done and lots of exploring. And I’m a vampire. w00t!
Caitlin’s back at the Glenrose Hospital. She might be stuck there til June.
My favorite headphones died today. I am saddened. They lasted me a good long time.
Much skipping of classes has been done. And mucho falling behind in classwork as well.
Also:
I feel stupid for believing that rumor now.
Watchmen. It’s what everyone is talking about. Both the graphic novel and the movie. Polarized reviews; “It sucked balls!”, “It fucking owned!”
Personally, I’ve only read the graphic novel. It didn’t make too much of an impression on me. Yeah, I fucking LOVED Rorschach. His life of exacting justice, no, his ZEAL and CONVICTION he put into exacting justice made him an awesome guy. Other than that, though, I didn’t really care for much else. I think I missed the point of the whole book. I always liked that rhetorical question, though.
“Who watches the watchmen?”
“Is Renufus alive? Is RenRen dead? Where is Ren?” There are all sorts of rumors about what happened to him. The latest one: Ren got copyrighted and he took his stuff off YouTube.
If this is true, Why just RenRen? Why aren’t sloughs of other LPers getting copyrighted? None of the LPers I know have this problem.
