Here I Am Again, Assuming the Worst

I haven’t talked to Caitlin for 3 days now and I’m worried. I just read a disturbing blog post on her Netlog page. She titled the post “Bye” and I am assuming the worst. I feel ill. I want to take back the email I sent to her earlier today, asking her if she died or something because she hasn’t logged onto MSN for several days. I think she hurt herself. And I’m scared. For the first time in a long, long while I am scared. My best friend, the friend I knew literally all my life because our mothers were friends, could be dead. I’m so close to crying. I need to tell someone. But there’s no one I can tell.

Sooooo….

UPDATE: I am leaving Wednesday at 4am. I still have to pack a few things (namely my PS2 and GameCube along with some games for each), but I’m pretty much done that.

I started a new story which I am actually posting on the internet: Click here. There’s only the prologue there, but I am currently re-writing the rest of the story as it was written 2 years ago. The story title is subject to change because that’s a shitty title, and I’m planning on changing it. Yeah. I’ll be working on it during my vacation/trip to hell. Updates will be slow because I am lazy, I procrastinate, and I get writer’s block easy.

Going Crazy Here

Don’t know how I feel. Don’t know what to do. I’m leaving at the end of next week. Just one more exam left.

So, OMG, I Got A Haircut

For the first time in 2 years, I had my crazy-long hair butchered. I’d post a picture of myself, but in every single picture I’ve taken I look stoned or half-dead. So, yeah. It’s shoulder-length. And now I see pink and blue dots. And now they turn orange. Amusing.

GAAAAAAHHHHH

It’s 4:27am MST and I don’t wanna go to school.

Life As It Is

Well, school’s out on Friday. I have a two more exams to go. I’ll do okay on my math exam and so-so on my social exam. But still pass both.

Still have that spider problem. Killed a much smaller spider. That other spider got away after I snapped a pic of it and grabbed a fly swatter. Next time I see it though… it’s going to be one flat fucker.

As for my culinary arts practical exam… ACED!!! My dessert was the best bit out of my group’s 3-course meal. I kept being stopped by teachers who kept praising me. Also, smugly I must add, I got quite a few stares from my peers when my culinary teacher, Chef Len Hallowes, shook my hand and congratulated me on my awesome dessert. Chef Hallowes has always criticized our class for a lot of things and praise is actually quite rare. Shocks everyone when he shells out praise.

On a much darker note, I was being hit on by complete strangers this morning. Cat calls and whistles. Made me feel ill. They looked like they were part of my school’s ground maintainance crew from the way they were cruising around the school grounds in a white pickup.

An even darker note. Every once in a while, I look at my fading scars on my arm, the ones from when I tried to slit my wrists last September, and get the urge to replace them with more cuts. I swear, all I want to do is mutilate myself. Mutilate, starve, scar, pierce.

Also, I smother Americans with the Canadian flag. Not. But sometimes I want to. Right now I’m content enough to wave my Canadian flag in Americans’ faces.

Spiders. I Hates Them.

As you might’ve noticed in my last blog, I have a problem with spiders. Tarantulas are okay, but large, hairless spiders are NOT. Like the following which I found right beside me a few minutes ago:

These spiders are not cool. Especially when you’re positive that they’re making babies underneath your rug after you watched three different spiders of varying sizes take refuge in a certain corner of said rug:

I will not go near there. Will not, will not, will not. My skin is crawling. The fact that this corner is behind my desk doesn’t really help me. I can’t stop looking there with my flashlight. Scalp is crawling, crawling, crawling… Can’t relax.

It’s Almost That Time Of Year Again…

I hate family vacations. Why? They always involve going to New Brunswick and no internet for a month. It also, unfortunately, includes me losing some sanity and becoming suicidal. It’s a nice place to visit for a week or two, but a month? No.

First off, I will be packed into a fully loaded minivan, driven across the country during a 4 or 5 day period, and be forced to eat foods that are not entirely vegetarian-friendly. Secondly, I will have to stay in a house that has been standing in isolation for roughly 200 years. Old houses are not as romantic as they are made out to be. Also, this house has the most hideous wallpaper. Come on! Light pink roses against forest green. *vomit* Thirdly, I will have to stay in Andy’s old room to better preserve my sanity because my room there makes me break down. Fourthly, I will be driven into a minor state of insanity. Fifthly, SPIDERS THE SIZE OF TOONIES. I shall take pictures with my camera to show the world these monstrosities. And the fact that there’s A HUGE FUCKING NEST OF THEM OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Sixthly, NO INTERWEBS!!!! I shall suffer… Lastly, I will be packed into the van again for a week long trip back. There I will be picking up the pieces of my mind and duct taping them together.

The only thing to look forward to is seeing Andy, Chris, Matt F *swoon*, and Emily. Also, the rest of the cousins, relatives, ect. Why are most of my relatives in New Brunswick? And all-too-soon, it will only be me and Ben living out here in Alberta. Mary Anne and dad are moving back to NB in a bout 5 years.

Speaking of leaving, why do all the people I care about or admire leave me? I find these awesome people, but I never know them for long. It’s cruel.

Oh My God! My God, This Can’t Be Happening!

God tell me, tell me this isn’t real. I cannot for a single second stand the way I feel!

Anxiety.

A heavy weight in my chest. At first I didn’t know what it was. All I could think about was how bad I felt. My heart feels sick.

I have a social studies project worth 90 marks due Monday. I have a way over-due assignment to do, too, or I won’t pass film studies. My culinary arts practical exam is on Tuesday. I have a career transitions book that’s due before the 13th. The 13th is the last day of school.

I feel as if I am heading towards a breakdown. Broken. Disjointed. Unwanted emotions.

So I’ve Generally Been Feeling Like Shit

All I’ve been doing lately is sleeping. Sleeping and playing World of WarCraft. The latter of which is is only fun up to level 20. I’m depressed and tired. I’m tired all the fucking time now. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I think I should go back to bed. I’ve barely been out of bed an hour though. Who cares? It passes time.

I Dunno…

So I went to see Indy 4 today. I don’t know what to say. Noah, aka the Spoony One from the Spoony Experiment, said it was pretty bad. He was pretty upset about it, too.

I thought it was an okay movie. I haven’t watched Indy 2 or 3 so I don’t really get what Spoony said about the so-called plotholes. And yeah, Marion didn’t do a whole lot. And technically should have her whole head blown away, BUT this is an Indy film so even though she was getting shot at by a fucking MACHINE GUN that was LESS THAN 4 FEET AWAY FROM HER she was perfectly safe. It’s one of those many impossible things in this movie that didn’t really make me like it. The alcove thing was bizarre and unrealistic, too. Practically everything in this movie is unrealistic. Like the fact that Indy was getting shot at pretty much the WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE and NEVER GOT HIT EVEN ONCE. And Spoony’s right about the continuity. It’s fucked up. Alright, there are supposed to be thirteen aliens in the ruins. One skull is missing. There was one skull in the warehouse and there was one skull in the ruins. And then there was that alien corpse kicking it around in the Commies’ posession. First, where the hell did the other loose skull come from? Second, how’d the Commies find that alien corpse and does it have anything to do with the first 13 aliens? Another unrealistic thing: the fake town part where Indy climbs into a refrigerator to escape a nuclear blast. LEAD-LINED FRIGES DO NOT PROTECT AGAINST RADIATION OR THE MOTHER FUCKING HEAT FROM SAID NUCLEAR BLAST.

Yeah, We’re Depressed, But That Doesn’t Mean The World Ended

Yes, we are depressed. Does that mean life is over? No. Does it mean life is going to be hard? Yes.

By the way, I don’t feel like talking to you.

Meme, Meme, Meme

Post the top ten bands/artists on your profile, the first song you heard of theirs, the song that made you fall in love, and your current favorite

1.AFI
First Song: Love Like Winter
Song I Fell In Love With: The Great Disappointment
Current Favorite: The Boy Who Destroyed The World

2.Marianas Trench
First Song: Shaketramp
Song I Fell In Love With: Say Anything
Current Favorite: Alibis

3.Avenged Sevenfold
First Song: The Beast and the Harlot
Song I Fell In Love With: Trashed and Scattered
Current Favorite: Clairvoyant Disease

4.VNV Nation
First Song: can’t remember
Song I Fell In Love With: Beloved
Current Favorite: Standing

5.Depeche Mode
First Song: Martyr
Song I Fell In Love With: Martyr
Current Favorite: Stories of Old

6.The Used
First Song: All That I’ve Got
Song I Fell In Love With: All That I’ve Got
Current Favorite: Slit Your Own Throat

7.Assemblage 23
First Song: can’t remember
Song I Fell In Love With: Ground
Current Favorite: Divide

8.Blaqk Audio
First Song: Stiff Kittens
Song I Fell In Love With: Stiff Kittens
Current Favorite: Mute

9.Evans Blue
First Song: Cold (But I’m Still Here)
Song I Fell In Love With: Cold (But I”m Still Here)
Current Favorite: In A Red Dress and Alone

10.Within Temptation
First Song: What Have You Done?
Song I Fell In Love With: What Have You Done?
Current Favorite: The Cross

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Every single time you make progress, I swear on my mother’s grave that you sabotage yourself deliberately. People think you’re faking all this for attention. Sometimes I wonder…

Is anger the answer? Are tears the answer? I get so angry. I cry for you. Neither has done much. I feel helpless. I try to do everything I can, but it seems to amount to nothing as you just push help away.

I May Need A Kick To The Head…

This is me finally off World of WarCraft. I’ve only been playing it for 4 days, but I’m already hooked. I woke up this morning at about 2am, after only 3 hours of sleep, and thought “Let’s go play WarCraft.” It’s fucking crack. 6 hours later I go back to bed. 4 and a half hours later I roll out of bed and, predictably, play more WoW.

Don’t ever sign up for WoW. It’s bad for you. “Why not?” you say? It’s because when you do sign up, you’re actually signing your soul over to the Devil. That’s the Devil’s ploy now. He’s got over 9 million souls and he’s gotten them through one little game.

Mercurial Funk

These past months, my mind and my emotions have been playing tug-o-war with my sanity. My emotions have been changing faster than quicksilver can flow and I’ve been arguing with myself about whether I’m depressed, bipolar, depersonalized, or if this is all in my head. I have these surges of frustration, extreme rage and sadistic/murderous feelings. They are brief; they last up to 5 seconds. Brief as they are, I need every ounce of energy in this body to resist hurting and/or killing people around me. I think I can understand what Caitlin said about feeling like it’s either suicide or the injury/death of people around her.

Nice To Know You

So I saw Chris and Ben again today. We met up in the Mall afterschool. I was supposed to meet Chris in front of Tim Horton’s at 3:10. Chris was an hour late. I almost left. At 4 I went for a walk and very seriously considered going home when I was wandering around PJ’s Pets. I hate going to pet stores. It pains me to see people bothering sleeping animals, and animals cowering in corners of their cages, trying to hide. Anyways, about the same time I left the meeting point, Chris got there. *insert facepalm here* We were both pretty annoyed.

Chris and I went to Boston Pizza for dinner. He was pretty shocked that I was a vegetarian. And we talked about a bunch of things throughout dinner. Chris broke up with his girlfriend. She had cheated on him. Chris was pissed to say the least. We talked about texting, which lead to talking about Caitlin, which lead to talking about Collin. I confessed my depression to Chris and he revealed that he actually is taking Paxil. We talked about Bon Accord, our friends there and the drug problem in the town. Colleen’s a crackhead and she stole stuff from Ben. Morgan’s getting married. Lacy popped out a kid. Holly’s popped out 3.

Ben arrived after we had dinner. There’s not a whole lot to talk about after this. Ben is as much a wankster as when I last seen him. He’s such a goof, too. “No! You’re supposed to go BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! when you’re backing up! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!”

Chris is leaving for New Brunswick on the 20th of next month. Ben may go with him. And hopefully the weekend after next we’ll go see a movie together.

Nobody Said This Would Be Easy

Here’s some more from my painful past.

During my last year there in New Brunswick I recognised my suicidal behaviour. I was frightened how I could happily choke myself until my vision went black, and by how I could just reopen wounds deliberately without flinching and paint things in my own blood. I went to my school’s counselor, Anne Gorman. I told her my anxiety, my family’s problems, and, more importantly, how suicidal I was. My parents were informed via my aunt and uncle. We didn’t have a working phone line because we couldn’t afford it.

My parents gave me special treatment for maybe 3 weeks then went back to ignoring me again.

I’ve never forgiven them.

Awkward Last Words

Directions:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

1.IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Waiting-Green Day

2.HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
From the Inside-Linkin Park

3.WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Kill-30 Seconds To Mars

4.HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
We Believe-Good Charlotte

5.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Boulevard of Broken Dreams-Green Day
(OMG I’m gonna fail at life?!)

6.WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Boiled Frogs-Alexisonfire
(lol this meme is pretty odd)

7.WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Life-Our Lady Peace

8.WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
When I Come Around-Green Day
(Green Day seems to dominate this meme…)

9.WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Seize The Day-Avenged Sevenfold

10.WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Strange Attraction-The Cure

11.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
Beg-Evans Blue

12.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Car Underwater-Armor For Sleep
(? I’m positive Jamie has not drowned…)

13.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Breathe-Breaking Benjamin

14.WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?
This Is Not A Bruise-The Mascara Story

15.WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Fear of Being Found-Blaqk Audio
(I think this is one of the more accurate questions…)

16.WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Where Are You?-Our Lady Peace
(I hope that doesn’t mean my groom will go missing…)

17.WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Sicker Things-Marianas Trench
(my actual life story is in this song. fitting)

18.WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
Lunacy Fringe-The Used

19.WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR??
Just Another Star-Bullet For My Valentine

20.WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Bury Me In Black-My Chemical Romance

21.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Endless Dark-HIM
(not entirely true)

22.WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Awkward Last Words-Armor For Sleep

Hey! I Ain’t Done Talking!

My life in New Brunswick wasn’t completely bad. There was Emily. She’s a couple years younger than me and she lives in the settlement, too. (BTW, a settlement is a community with less than 20 people spread over roughly 2 kilometers and lots of farmland) She kept me sane. I know there were times I treated her fairly bad. But she never held any grudges against me. Her biggest graces, I swear on my mother’s grave, are her intelligence and optimism. What makes me feel guilty is that I didn’t really notice this until last summer when my family went on vacation. She told me that I put myself down too much. We were walking along a riverbank when she said this and it shocked me and I nearly stepped into the river-which-was-more-like-a-creek. Everyone must worship her. Cuz I said so.