I Used To Update This Regularly, I Swear

There’s just nothing to say, really.

Well, not nothing, just not much. I got into the Metal Gear series. I <3 Otacon and his voice actor, Christopher Randolph.

Ben’s living with us. Has been since before Christmas. Tonight, we resolved to be crazy cat people. Provided I ever get there.

Have I mentioned that we’re moving back to North Tay? Because we are. My therapist doesn’t like this. He’s more emotionally invested in this than I am.

I only feel like listening to Evans Blue and Parabelle. Acoustic E|B is awesome.

It will be a year in April that I started medication and therapy.

It will be a year in May that Caitlin (and a part of me) died.

…

Here I am, the whiny brat, here to whine some more.

I have absolutely no reason at all to feel this way. I have a roof over my head. I have a caring family. I live comfortably. I can have pretty much anything I want; if I asked for it nicely, I’m positive dad would get it for me. I should be happy. I’m not. I only feel washed out, wrung out. I can’t commiserate with other people. I am alone. I am uncomfortably crowded.

Upon Death…

What will happen? Will I dream? I am too tired to keep going. Too cowardly to end it.

…

My therapist seems to have a problem with me dressing like a teenage boy. Or he was trying to insinuate something. I don’t know. He just keeps bringing it up.

…

I thought I figured out the key to happiness. I was wrong.

Paranormal Activity

Just finished watching Paranormal Activity. I liked it. A lot. Still kinda freaked out though.

It starts slow and doesn’t really pick up until about halfway through. I kinda thought it be just little things like whispering and the usual Ghost Hunters crap. It ended up being pretty amazing, though. The end was my favorite part, if more than a little sad.

You know what, though? The movie was more horrifying than scary. I find the idea that pissed off spirits/demons/whatever can enter your house and wreak havoc at will kind of “ogod,whatthefuckthereisnodefence!”

!?

Just beat Final Fantasy X-2 again for shits and giggles and I accidentally came upon something I’ve never seen before!

[SPOILERS]

After defeating Shuyin, Yuna returns to that patch of flowers with the save point. I, for some reason unknown, tapped X a few times and, instead of Bahamut’s Fayth coming to greet Yuna, a pyrefly version of Tidus appears behind Yuna and she talks to him for a bit before leaving.

[/SPOILERS]

What the fuck, game? This was at 98% and the ending only showed Yuna and the rest on the Celsius. Does no one else know about this? It wasn’t even in the official strategy guide. I thought I knew everything about this game. Apparently not. I don’t know what the fuck.

…

I’ve been a loner so long, I don’t know how to reintegrate back into society.

I Lied.

Seems I can’t leave you alone. Nor you for I. You keep me awake at night, even though you’re no longer part of this world. I continue writing these notes/letters/whatever to you.

Your birthday is next month. I remember you saying you couldn’t wait to be 18, to be able to do whatever you wanted. Being 18 isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I wish I could have told you that. Isn’t it ironic that I only remember your birthday after you died?

I miss you. Everyone misses you. It doesn’t hurt so bad anymore, but we all still feel it.

…

Not quite so… angry about Caitlin’s passing. I just feel empty. Lonely.

Regaining faith in a greater power. I’m kind of reluctant to put faith back into the Lord and Lady. It’s painful. Still feeling betrayed that They could possibly allow Caitlin to die so young, especially after she found happiness.

What The Hell, Emotions?

I hate my therapist. I don’t know why; he’s done nothing wrong. I just can’t be near him without being filled with rage and resentment. It’s a recent development, too. Funnily enough, these are the first true emotions I’ve been able to identify in so long. Should I tell him?

…

Misery always comes after the briefest bit of happiness. Should I go out of my way to never be happy as to avoid being unhappy?

…

Today me and my therapist argued about what it means to be mentally ill.

Also, he hates Green Day and Billy Talent. Hmmmm. Should fill my iPod with them just to piss him off.

!

It’s October already? Holy shit.

I Keep Forgetting I Have This Blog

Still don’t have much to post. Except this:

I Don’t Like AFI Anymore

Get over it people! I’ve found other musical acts that I like so much better. Leave me alone.

Also, how can I be a “fair-weather fan” when my interests change? If I don’t like something, I’m not going to pretend I like it.

Here’s A New Game

How long can I go without properly feeding myself?

What’s There To Say?

I do realize I haven’t posted much lately. There’s just nothing to blog about.

Went to North Tay this summer. It was boring. Emily was gone half the time.

My therapist came to the conclusion that I am “dead inside”.

Silence

It’s so quiet. Everything is so loud. Silence ringing in my head. Everything is too loud. Even the silence. It hurts my ears. My brain is taking the punishment.

So detached from everything, but much too involved. Where am I? All I know is silence. Everything’s much too loud.

Where are my emotions? Just an automaton, a robot siting here. Silence is my only companion. It doesn’t take away the noise.

Why?

Unmedicated. Waiting for doctors to fix shit up. Seems my parents don’t want to wait for the doctors to make up their minds.

If they won’t wait, I’m not going with them to New Brunswick. I’ll be all alone here and that isn’t a very good idea.

Kinda reluctant to go back to meds, though. For the first time in over a month, I can think. I can concentrate. Just have to get over the withdrawal symptoms and I’ll be good to go.

EDIT: On second thought, why do I need this fucking medication? I’ve survived the last 7 years without ‘em.