Feeling Low Again

I have a project due tomorrow. I can’t get it done. It’s so frustrating. I’ve spent at least 6 or 7 hours on it today and I’ve had about 3 and a half hours of class to get it done. Maybe if I just hand in what I have… something is better than nothing, right? I feel worthless and I want to cry. I can’t get anything done.

*Vomit*

I have to take a trip to my school tomorrow… or later on today, depending on how you look at it since it’s 1:50am. Anxiety.

Grade 12. My last year of highschool education. Most teenagers would be celebrating, BUT not moi. The end of school means that I have to work for the next 40-50 years. Or go through secondary education that will put me in debt for most of my life and THEN work for the next 40-50 years.

I don’t see anything else in my life except work. I don’t see myself getting married or having kids. I don’t see myself with a lot of friends. I’ll just be going through [the motions of] life just as numbly as I am now. I’ll have 2 part-time jobs, an over-priced apartment, a cat or 2 for company, and that’s it.

What a bleak existance.

It Was A LONG Month

Where to start? The head-first dive into depression? Breaking edge? The broken promise? Sleepless nights? The spiders and all the beetles? My stupid, harpy of a stepmother? My bratty little half brother?

The beginning might be a good place. The drive down wasn’t that bad. Took us 3 and a half days.

We (me, dad, and Vern) got to our summer house late afternoon. It wasn’t more than 4 hours later my brothers Andy and Chris show up with Andy’s girlfriend Jen. They talked our ears off. Then Chris stayed the night. Me and Chris stayed up till 4am talking. We talked about our anxiety, my depression, cutting. He made me promise to stop cutting. Fuck him. He promised me he’d talk to dad about my anxiety and depression so dad would get me to a therapist and on medication. Fuck Chris because he never did a damn thing! Fuck Chris cuz he was so drunk he couldn’t remember a fucking thing. Why the fuck should I honour the promise I made to him if he didn’t honour the promises he made to me? There were other promises, but this one burns the most.

I felt like shit most of the month. I got so depressed at times I wanted to die, or something to distract me from my misery. I wanted to cut so bad, but I thought Chris would pull through with his promises so I didn’t. It was this depression that lead me to breaking edge.

I was invited to stay the night over at Chris’s apartment for the night. Yup. This is where I break edge. I was invited because I was miserable at the family reunion earlier that day. My aunt Sherrie thought it’d be a good idea. Sherrie, Chris, Andy, and my cousin Matt all live in the same area (actually Chris and Andy live in the same apartment building and Sherrie and Matt live in the apartment across from Chris and Andy). Plus, my cousin Amanda was visiting Sherrie (her mother) with her two kids. Amanda and Chris picked me up from North Tay, that’s where the summer house is, and then we went to Sherrie and Matt’s apartment. When we got there, Sherrie was already smashed. It was both sad and hilarious at the same time. We (me, Chris, Matt, Amanda and my cousin Andrew) watched her down a wine glass of gin and orange juice. We laughed as her words got so slurred and as she stumbled around. Then, Sherrie tried to tell me that I didn’t have to drink any beer and stuff like that. She was so far gone. After that, She went to the liquor store with Andy to get more booze. It was after she left that Chris offered me a beer and Matt handed it to me. I WAS going to refuse. For some reason, I couldn’t refuse. Maybe it was because I wanted to drink with them. May be it was my tiny crush on Matt that made me take the beer. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any fucking spine and I felt so much pressure. Anyways, it escalated from there. We went outside and drank more. Went to my cousin Kelly’s party. Drank more there. Nearly passed out on some boy’s bed. Disgusting, isn’t it? I’d love to blame this event on someone, but I know I’m the one at fault. I didn’t have to accept the beer. I could have said no. But I didn’t. SInce then I have been switching between self-pity and self-loathing.

I had lots of nights where I couldn’t sleep. A couple of them were energy drink-induced I know. The rest of them, however, I have no clue what cause was.

Stupid harpy bitch, aka my stepmother Mary Anne, was nothing but bitch bitch bitch, whine whine whine, kvetch kvetch kvetch when she arrived several days later.

And my little brother Vern was horrible. I can’t even express how he acted. The effort of finding the right words is folding my brain into an origami swan.

Lastly, the bugs that resided in that house. It’s like oh em gee! Look at all the spiders and beetles! I killed at least 20 bugs in all. Spiders: I hate them. Especially the one I nick-named Indianna Jones before killing it, as it decided swinging across my room was a novel idea. I didn’t actually mind Indy at first because he was pretty ninja. He managed to get across my room without me noticing and I was looking out for him like a hawk. But Then he had to swing over my bed like the real Indy in Raiders of the Lost Arc. It was lights out for him.

Oh My God! My God, This Can’t Be Happening!

God tell me, tell me this isn’t real. I cannot for a single second stand the way I feel!

Anxiety.

A heavy weight in my chest. At first I didn’t know what it was. All I could think about was how bad I felt. My heart feels sick.

I have a social studies project worth 90 marks due Monday. I have a way over-due assignment to do, too, or I won’t pass film studies. My culinary arts practical exam is on Tuesday. I have a career transitions book that’s due before the 13th. The 13th is the last day of school.

I feel as if I am heading towards a breakdown. Broken. Disjointed. Unwanted emotions.

This Is So Hard For Me To Admit AKA Coming Out

I feel nauseous and I’m holding back tears. Who knew admitting something to yourself was so upsetting? I don’t wanna say it, but I believe I gotta. I’m bisexual. Coming out is not cathartic like most people say. I just wanna vomit and I just wanna cry.

So It Is Exam Time…

So much fun. I’ll ace my science exam. I’ll pass my Japanese exam with relative ease. But my English exam… I’ll just barely scrape a passing mark.

—————-
Now playing: Our Lady Peace – 4am
via FoxyTunes

Ha!

How can I post now that I know that someone I know is reading this?

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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers – Fortune Faded
via FoxyTunes

さようなら

I am leaving for New Brunswick soon. Try Friday, at the very butt crack of dawn. Still have not packed. Why? I just learned we were leaving yesterday. Still have to ask Gramps if I can borrow his laptop. I’m dreading this trip. Soooooo. I’m freaking. Half packed. Hoping I won’t have another anxiety attack. (EDIT)

EDIT: Since I won’t have my blog, I’ll take my binder-journal with me and write what happens down in it. Then, once I get back, I’ll type it all up. That’s for anyone who’s interested.

See you soon… after maybe 3 weeks.　じゃまったね。