I Lied.

Seems I can’t leave you alone. Nor you for I. You keep me awake at night, even though you’re no longer part of this world. I continue writing these notes/letters/whatever to you.

Your birthday is next month. I remember you saying you couldn’t wait to be 18, to be able to do whatever you wanted. Being 18 isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I wish I could have told you that. Isn’t it ironic that I only remember your birthday after you died?

I miss you. Everyone misses you. It doesn’t hurt so bad anymore, but we all still feel it.

…

Not quite so… angry about Caitlin’s passing. I just feel empty. Lonely.

Regaining faith in a greater power. I’m kind of reluctant to put faith back into the Lord and Lady. It’s painful. Still feeling betrayed that They could possibly allow Caitlin to die so young, especially after she found happiness.

Ow

Missing Caitlin. If I had a penny for every time I’ve wanted to talk to her after her death, I’d be a multi-millionaire. There’s so much shit that I still want to do with her, things I want to share with her.

I’m bitter, sad, angry. Bitter because during he last days she wanted to live. Sad because her life was cut short. Angry with her so-called “God”.

I want to cut. I want to cry. I want to kill things.

It’s so easy to destroy everything.

The Last Post I’ll Dedicate To You

Of all the ways you could’ve died, I didn’t think it’d be an asthma attack in your sleep. I just found out today… 3 days after the fact. Your parents (of course) are being quite anal about your friends contacting them, Darren being especially cunty. They won’t allow anyone other than family at your funeral. Somehow I think they won’t let Collin go to it, either.

I have this newspaper clipping of the recently departed (you being on there), and it’s kinda disturbing how you and one other person are so much younger than the rest of the people on the list.

How did you die, really? They said it appeared to be an asthma attack, but weren’t certain. Did you OD on your meds? I don’t blame you if you did. You’ve always wanted to die, and now you have. Is there an afterlife? Is it better there? Are you no longer in pain?

I have the urge to follow you. It feels impossible to imagine a life without you, knowing you are gone for good.

An Update On Life

Kelly’s found something better to do than ramble aimlessly at me in the mornings.

I beat The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion in under 35 hours. The main storyline, I mean, with about half the Dark Brotherhood quests done and lots of exploring. And I’m a vampire. w00t!

Caitlin’s back at the Glenrose Hospital. She might be stuck there til June.

My favorite headphones died today. I am saddened. They lasted me a good long time.

Much skipping of classes has been done. And mucho falling behind in classwork as well.

Also:

She’s Right

“Scream all you want; no one’s listening” That’s Caitlin’s MSN message. And I swear to God it’s the truth.

Can’t you hear me? I’m screaming, scatching at the walls. I want out! Can’t you hear me over the deafening silence? No, you’re too busy looking away, listening to other people. When will you notice me? When I’m legally declared crazy? When I’ve finally grown the balls to kill myself? No, that’s too long. I can’t be saved then.

If you do something now, I can be saved, I’ll retain my sanity. I won’t feel that urge to toss myself in front of speeding vehicles anymore, or daydream of OD’ing on sleeping pills. Save me, you motherfucker. I can’t get myself out of this hole by myself. All you have to do is give me a hand, a referral to a psychiatrist. I’ll get better, I swear. I don’t WANT to be suicidal all the time. I don’t WANT to have these crazy high-low episodes. Please, just help me.

In Other News

My best friend doesn’t see me as a friend anymore. Don’t I feel loved? I feel like I have wasted so much emotion on her now. And knowing me, I’m probably going to hurt myself in some way over this.

She’s Alright

(caitlin) I got a single silver bullet shot right though my heart says (10:42 PM):
how have u been
–Missy– says (10:43 PM):
going crazy, as said earlier. been doing stupid things like drinking Raid and eating chocolate which makes me sick
(caitlin) I got a single silver bullet shot right though my heart says (10:44 PM):
Raid WTF i know this is going to make me a hiprocript but i dont care wtf do u think ur doing fuck u could die
–Missy– says (10:45 PM):
I hate myself just as much as you want to die
(caitlin) I got a single silver bullet shot right though my heart says (10:45 PM):
i dont want you to die

Hilarious.

Suicide

I’m thinking about it myself. I don’t know if Caitlin is alright; I haven’t grown a pair and called her mother yet.

306 by Emilie Autumn

“Three hundred and six
In only six years
If it was an accident
Where are the tears
I am still unidentified
Behind the cathedral
Is where my body hides
But I’m not inside
Just one of sixteen
In only one day
If it was a game
Then why couldn’t I play
I am the abandoner
But still I remain
And my frozen pulse quickens
As the black plot thickens

Like this story I heard
A lifetime ago
Where a girl
(And this is funny)
Took her life
But what she doesn’t know
Is how long it takes
For the water to rise
And the breath to stop fighting
And the cold to close her eyes

Morality plays
On stages of sin
The easy way out
Or the easy way in
I am still overglorified
My reasons to live
Were my reasons to die
But at least they were mine
Now I’ve freedom unbound
Cut the laces of life
The pistol
The poison
The noose
Or the knife
I have chosen my instrument
And said no goodbyes
And my frozen pulse quickens
As the black plot thickens

Like this story I heard
A lifetime ago
Where a girl
(And this is funny)
Took her life
But what she didn’t know
Is how long it takes
For the water to rise
And the breath to stop fighting
And the cold to close her eyes”

I Painfully Realize Now…

When you’re gone, I’ll get rid of everything that reminds me of you. All the social-networking sites we shared will be removed from memory; both computer and my own, all the the alliases we had will forcefully be forgotten, the pictures and music we sent each other deleted. But… I also realize now I want to keep your blog. And all the conversations we had together. I love you more than you’ll ever know and it hurts so bad. I’m not angry, strangely enough.

I’m saving every post you made into MS Word. You didn’t even get to 17, you know. You were waiting until you turned 18. You believed you’d be free. And through all this, I’m starting to really believe your friends when they said I was the cause of all your pain. I bossed you around so much. It’s like a sick replay of when we were kids. I suppose everyone, though, bossed you around. We all wanted you to get better, be happy. We all had your best interests in mind.

And you know what’s so fucked up? I can’t even close our last conversation box. If it’s there, maybe I can pretend you’re still there. And I keep having these wild hopes that you’ll wake up alive tomorrow. If you do, I’ll love you forever and ever, never judge you, agree with you when you say you are fat, anything you want. JUST DON’T FUCKING LEAVE ME.

Oh God

Oh God. I’m drinking green tea (it tastes pretty horrible). Oh God. I could be doing something worthwhile like saving a life (just pick up the phone, dial 911, direct them to Caitlin). Oh God. I’m watching a Let’s Play of Phantasmagoria 2 and laughing (right after 2 hours of crying for my best friend [myself]). Oh God. I deserve every sip of this godawful tea because I’m letting someone die!

That’s All She Wrote…

(caitlin) I will be thin says (8:52 PM):
hey
–Missy– says (8:52 PM):
hi
(caitlin) I will be thin says (8:52 PM):
how r u
–Missy– says (8:52 PM):
doing ok. kinda tired though. you?
(caitlin) I will be thin says (8:53 PM):
dieing if i kill myself u wount
–Missy– says (8:54 PM):
what?
(caitlin) I will be thin says (8:54 PM):
im going 2 miss u
–Missy– says (8:56 PM):
I don’t know what to say
(caitlin) I will be thin says (8:56 PM):
i love u i have 2 go
–Missy– says (8:56 PM):
ok, love you too
(caitlin) I will be thin says (8:57 PM):
im sorry but i might not wake up 2morrow

Another Bit of Nostalgia

I wish you were still around. I miss our old conversations. At times, they were almost normal, like when we spent a whole hour talking about Converse shoes. We sounded like normal teenagers. Especially when complaining about our parents. I remember getting so pissed at Darren when you said he yelled at you and dragged you into Cindy and his arguments.

The ups and downs. There were so many, but at least you were in control. The doctors fucked you up. They really did. I miss you. God, how I miss you.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God

“Look at what you’ve done AGAIN! You keep hurting Caitlin.”
“I didn’t want to, I swear.”
“Well, then, you could at least have said “bye” to her on MSN before you ditched her to cut yourself!”
“…”
“Got nothing to say for yourself?! You are the worst friend imaginable. Don’t talk to me!”
“How can I not? You’re a part of this body, this mind, no matter how much we both hate it.”
“…”
“NOW look who has nothing to say! And you! Why didn’t YOU do anything? You’re supposed to be the stronger side, the smarter one! You could have done something. But no, you’re just as much a coward as me.”

A Bit of Nostalgia

When I read through our past MSN conversations from when we first started talking again, it feels like I’m talking to you before your doctors fucked you up. It hurts a little, you know, to read though this. If I could put how I feel into words, maybe you’d come around. But that’s just misguided hope. You’re never going to get better. I want the old you back.

…

Today I’ve decided I love my best friend.

How I love my best friend, I don’t know.

As a sister? A friend? Girlfriend? Lover?

I want to know, because I want to tell her.

Here I Am Again, Assuming the Worst

I haven’t talked to Caitlin for 3 days now and I’m worried. I just read a disturbing blog post on her Netlog page. She titled the post “Bye” and I am assuming the worst. I feel ill. I want to take back the email I sent to her earlier today, asking her if she died or something because she hasn’t logged onto MSN for several days. I think she hurt herself. And I’m scared. For the first time in a long, long while I am scared. My best friend, the friend I knew literally all my life because our mothers were friends, could be dead. I’m so close to crying. I need to tell someone. But there’s no one I can tell.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Every single time you make progress, I swear on my mother’s grave that you sabotage yourself deliberately. People think you’re faking all this for attention. Sometimes I wonder…

Is anger the answer? Are tears the answer? I get so angry. I cry for you. Neither has done much. I feel helpless. I try to do everything I can, but it seems to amount to nothing as you just push help away.

Mercurial Funk

These past months, my mind and my emotions have been playing tug-o-war with my sanity. My emotions have been changing faster than quicksilver can flow and I’ve been arguing with myself about whether I’m depressed, bipolar, depersonalized, or if this is all in my head. I have these surges of frustration, extreme rage and sadistic/murderous feelings. They are brief; they last up to 5 seconds. Brief as they are, I need every ounce of energy in this body to resist hurting and/or killing people around me. I think I can understand what Caitlin said about feeling like it’s either suicide or the injury/death of people around her.

Tjoind (Whatever That Is)

lolocaust at the title. I was trying to type “things”. That didn’t work out very well.

So I’m getting really annoyed with my glasses. Unlike my old glasses, they are thick framed and fucking annoying. I hope my other set don’t have this problem (they are a different style). I’m not used to seeing with a rectangular frame surrounding everything. And I’ve spent the last 2 days trying to shake off the feeling that someone slipped me some hallucinogenic substance because this clarity is making me feel I’m under the influence.

Also, Caitlin, why do you not sign in to MSN when I am signed in? Is it because I called you crazy (in not so many words)? I’m sorry. But some of the things you’re saying just don’t sound… sane. And I honestly don’t think you’re abusing your medication, but what you say in your blog sounds kinda strange and not like you.

I also feel like not sleeping, despite the fact that it is almost 12:30am. Life’s half-peachy.