…

I’m so low at the moment. I feel like shit. My self-esteem is gone. My tear ducts say it might be a good time to let some tears flow, but I don’t feel like crying. I want to end this misery. I don’t know what to do at the moment. I keep going in circles; I go through my usual webpages over and over and over without really taking them in. Someone give me my sanity back please?

Trapped

Stuck within my own mind. Thoughts never ceasing, driving me mad. Will this not go away? Will I never, ever escape this torment? You’d be disgusted to know that all of what I need is in my head. Don’t need to talk to people cuz you’ve all got a copy inside my head. That’s right, you could be sitting across from me, talking to a good friend and ignoring me while in my head, you and that friend are talking with me, oh-so-interested in what I have to say. And you always ask all the right questions, gasp in all the right places and love me unconditionally.

I sound like a sociopath. Perhaps I am. But I want to talk to people for real, not this all-in-my-head business. I want to have friends again. I want to stop being a self-pitying, self-loathing, self-serving, frigid, antisocial bitch. I want to stop imagining my life away. I need to stop daydreaming about a family that loves me for who I am, about being lovable… This is just depressing.

What Do You Do?

Let’s start talking hypothetically here. Let’s say your best friend goes through this dramatic change in personality. They start cutting themselves and become very moody. Then they are sent to the hospital and are put on Prozzak. Three weeks later they come back with this cruddy attitude and say things like “fuck life”, “fuck society” ect. Then you become very pissed off after hearing that they decided to cut themselves in public and start ignoring them and avoiding them. What do you do next?

Keeping It Real…

Everyone is crazy. Everyone. I am, you are, everyone is. You can say “Wait a minute! I’m not crazy!” Yes, yes, you are. Everyone is. No matter how perfect your informative years were, you still have hang-ups, and the only reason you may think you’re sane is because everyone around you is nuttier than you are. That still doesn’t make you sane. And the people who really believe they’re not crazy, watch them. They’re crazier than you are. When you watch the news and the paramedics are bringing stretchers out of the building with the police tape around it, and a news crew is talking to some neighbors saying “He was such a quiet person. He was so friendly and normal.” I rest my case.

Teachers…

I have been thinking today (watch it! you know that’s always dangerous) about teachers. Le GASP. I have been thinking about teachers. And now I have come to a conclusion: all my favorite teachers are assholes. Let’s take one of my English teachers for instance (not this morning’s teacher). He’s a great guy. He’s awesome in general. He inspires me. But if you hurt his self-esteem, watch out as he will do this mini transformation (reminiscent of Goku’s transformation to Super Saiyan 5 [/geekiness]) and he will let his inner jackass out. Let’s take another example. A science teacher this time. He is the most hated teacher in the school district. And he hates most students. The only student I know he likes is… Can you guess? It is me. Le GASP. *faint* *spaz* But onto him again. There is no way to describe this man except that he loves teaching, but the students don’t appreciate this and so he gets pissed off everytime they do something when he is trying to talk or trying to make sure they understand something.

Yesss!!!

Got to see Chris today! Have you any clue how much that made my day? すごい　でしたよ. Really, it was awesome. Learnt some crazy stuff about Ben. Like how he’s moving in with a person I absolutely hate? WTF? And he’s doing a lot of drugs? Not new. Why do I have a sudden apathy for this idiot whom I used to think the world of?

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Now playing: AFI – The Boy Who Destroyed the World
via FoxyTunes