An Update On Life

Kelly’s found something better to do than ramble aimlessly at me in the mornings.

I beat The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion in under 35 hours. The main storyline, I mean, with about half the Dark Brotherhood quests done and lots of exploring. And I’m a vampire. w00t!

Caitlin’s back at the Glenrose Hospital. She might be stuck there til June.

My favorite headphones died today. I am saddened. They lasted me a good long time.

Much skipping of classes has been done. And mucho falling behind in classwork as well.

Also:

So Life Has Been Stressful

Due to all sorts of things. For one: Just started semester 2 January 29. Guitar 20 has been a nightmare because I have a hard time keeping up with the class. It’s kinda insulting to be outdone by a bunch of grade 10 and 11 students. It’s been a long while since I actually played anything.

For second (and for the lose): My basement computer’s mouse decided to stop working when I want it to. The left click button only works when it wants to, which is a bitch while trying to play WoW. Therefore, my mouse is set to lefty mode. I also think the wheel is going to give up the ghost soon too. I don’t like the way it’s taken to squeaking.

Feeling Low Again

I have a project due tomorrow. I can’t get it done. It’s so frustrating. I’ve spent at least 6 or 7 hours on it today and I’ve had about 3 and a half hours of class to get it done. Maybe if I just hand in what I have… something is better than nothing, right? I feel worthless and I want to cry. I can’t get anything done.

I Am Ashamed To Admit…

I now have a Twitter thinger. LINKY. It takes up all my time now.

In other news, I have to write a paper on how the Korean War and the Vietnam War are examples of confrontation between the superpowers of the Cold War. I do not like this. And by writing all this shizz, I’m procrastinating my planning for my essay.

Samhain Again

School today was only a bit out of the ordinary. People dressed up, of course, even some of the teachers. That’s actually the normal part. In Social Studies, we were watching Enemy at the Gates, the last half to be precise. This is the first time ever, outside of Film Studies, that a teacher showed a film with sexual content. I was horrified. Not because there were 2 people having sex on the screen, but because I was watching it with fellow classmates. When the girl started to moan I had to look away and stifle giggles. A couple other kids snickered, too.

Another Blurb

I’ll make yet another statement about Kelly: he has some bizarre brainchildren. For instance, he wants to put up posters for Pedobear in our school, since grad council elections take place next week, and it seems he wants Pedobear in our council. I know it will never happen and I just wanted to say something to get it out of my system.

Chores! I’m Doing Them (For Once)

So yeah, I’m doing laundry. Then I’ll hopefully put some clean sheets on my bed. Perhaps wash the old bedding tomorrow. And then clean my room! And maybe I’m being too optimistic. I’m not one for doing chores. I’ll start them and then I’ll get distracted.

In other news: I went on a fieldtrip today with my CALM (Career And Life Management) class to the U of A (University of Alberta) and to NAIT (Northern Alberta Institute of Technology). Why, oh why, does the U of A have so high of standards? I want to apply for a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and I’ll never get it there because I don’t have the right classes. I almost cried when I found that out.

And funnily enough, I thought I was over wanting to be a psychologist a couple years ago when I first found that I had natural skills in carpentry. No, it bubbled up in me again and I don’t know why.

I Can’t Keep My Fucking Trap Shut, Can I?

I confessed my depression to yet another teacher: Ms Saad. I’m not sure what’s gonna happen now. I’m an idiot. Am I so obvious? She asked me that, actually, if I suffered from depression. I said yes. She also asked if I took anything for it; I said no. Then she said that she suffered from it, too. And then, of course, she had to hug me and say “God bless you”. In front of other students. Which got some looks. She also said she worried about me. She’d be the second teacher to do that.

So I’m Trying To Mend

After my early-morning meltdown this morning (2am), I’m trying to fix myself. I stopped skipping CALM and bothering Vern. I’m making an effort with my schoolwork. Trying to not self-destruct.

Pretty Girl sat beside me on the bus again. She seems nice and all, but I’ve never heard her speak. Just a smile from her makes my day. She always smiles. It occurred to me today that she could be a figment of my loneliness. I’ve never heard her make a single sound. I found myself hoping against hope that she was real.

It’s Only Three Days In…

And I’ve already skipped a class. Shows how committed I am to school.

*Vomit*

I have to take a trip to my school tomorrow… or later on today, depending on how you look at it since it’s 1:50am. Anxiety.

Grade 12. My last year of highschool education. Most teenagers would be celebrating, BUT not moi. The end of school means that I have to work for the next 40-50 years. Or go through secondary education that will put me in debt for most of my life and THEN work for the next 40-50 years.

I don’t see anything else in my life except work. I don’t see myself getting married or having kids. I don’t see myself with a lot of friends. I’ll just be going through [the motions of] life just as numbly as I am now. I’ll have 2 part-time jobs, an over-priced apartment, a cat or 2 for company, and that’s it.

What a bleak existance.

GAAAAAAHHHHH

It’s 4:27am MST and I don’t wanna go to school.

Life As It Is

Well, school’s out on Friday. I have a two more exams to go. I’ll do okay on my math exam and so-so on my social exam. But still pass both.

Still have that spider problem. Killed a much smaller spider. That other spider got away after I snapped a pic of it and grabbed a fly swatter. Next time I see it though… it’s going to be one flat fucker.

As for my culinary arts practical exam… ACED!!! My dessert was the best bit out of my group’s 3-course meal. I kept being stopped by teachers who kept praising me. Also, smugly I must add, I got quite a few stares from my peers when my culinary teacher, Chef Len Hallowes, shook my hand and congratulated me on my awesome dessert. Chef Hallowes has always criticized our class for a lot of things and praise is actually quite rare. Shocks everyone when he shells out praise.

On a much darker note, I was being hit on by complete strangers this morning. Cat calls and whistles. Made me feel ill. They looked like they were part of my school’s ground maintainance crew from the way they were cruising around the school grounds in a white pickup.

An even darker note. Every once in a while, I look at my fading scars on my arm, the ones from when I tried to slit my wrists last September, and get the urge to replace them with more cuts. I swear, all I want to do is mutilate myself. Mutilate, starve, scar, pierce.

Also, I smother Americans with the Canadian flag. Not. But sometimes I want to. Right now I’m content enough to wave my Canadian flag in Americans’ faces.

Oh My God! My God, This Can’t Be Happening!

God tell me, tell me this isn’t real. I cannot for a single second stand the way I feel!

Anxiety.

A heavy weight in my chest. At first I didn’t know what it was. All I could think about was how bad I felt. My heart feels sick.

I have a social studies project worth 90 marks due Monday. I have a way over-due assignment to do, too, or I won’t pass film studies. My culinary arts practical exam is on Tuesday. I have a career transitions book that’s due before the 13th. The 13th is the last day of school.

I feel as if I am heading towards a breakdown. Broken. Disjointed. Unwanted emotions.

おわり と みらい

Here’s how today went down:

I get out of bed and I feel like I’m on top of the fucking world, dreaming of a straight-edge community here in Edmonton. That straight-edge documentary I listened to has completely changed my perspective on life and how I see things. On my way to school, my daydreams get wilder. They extend to actual sXe concerts and mosh pits gone crazy and out of control (bodies flying left and right, high on adrenaline and endorphins from various injuries). I get to school and the buzz gets me higher and higher.

The bell rings and I go to math class. We start learning a new linear function. Miyagishima talks so fast I can’t keep up when she tells us how to program our graphing calculators to make the line of best fit. I obviously miss something because even though I’m following instructions perfectly, I’m not getting the same answers as the teacher. I get so frustrated I lose the ability to speak. There goes the best mood I’ve had in a LONG while.

Next class, film studies, we watch more of Amelie. This movie is fucked up in more ways I can count on my fingers. I cringe at all the NC-17 scenes (sex, implied sex, and people having orgasms). Thank you, Anderson, for covering the movie projector lens during the last part.

I spend lunch moping in the library, mentally scarred for life and spiralling into what feels like the worst bout of depression ever.

Third class. Culinary arts. I dislike this class so much. We don’t go to the kitchen right away. Instead we do theory for 15 minutes and do some questions. I hand Hallowes my paper and he checks it over. My misery must uncharacteristically show on my face because he asks “Are you happy?” and I say “Not really” “Why?” “I’m depressed” “Why?” “It’s a clinical thing” “Do take medicine for it?” “No” “Do you talk to your doctor about it?” “No”. He hands me back my paper and I leave his small office. We then go to the kitchen and my group bakes chocolate and angel food cakes.

EDIT: I kinda forgot to mention that Hallowes was nicer to me after the office incident.

Last class is uneventful. We do review on our last chapter in this unit in social studies. At the end of class, Hamilton starts reading out Darwin Awards.

Guess Who Just Fucking Failed Their Essay

Moi, of course. Fucking essays. Fucking essay question. Well, doesn’t that sound vulgar? I only like essays when I get to choose the topic. That essay thing was too vague. There was no freaking direction for me to take it. Ah, whatever.

The Witcher OR The Reason I Have Not Prepared For My Essay

The Witcher is an awesome game. It has been ruling my world since Sunday. The only bad thing about it is that it takes up all my time. It is also a very good tool for procrastination. But alas, the time for procrastination is over and I can’t make any sense of my essay question. “Compare and contrast German and Italian Unification”. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t do anything for me. I don’t know where to start. I have to write it tomorrow (WTF?! Do I have dylexia tonight? Can’t spell anything right the first time) in Social Studies. Back to The Witcher. Just finished Chapter 2 and I’d like to ask: is there anything more motivating than being chased by a group of 4 drowners, 3 drowned dead and 2 bloedzuigers? To think I have to go back to the swamp again to kill some stupid Salamandra groups. I am not pleased.

Relapse of Food Poisoning

So yes, I have had a relapse of food poisoning. I was ill all yesterday, which was bad. I didn’t miss school and that turned out to be a very good thing. In fact, I’d swear that made my whole school career. It could have possibly made my life, too.

I’ll stop beating around the bush now: I was geeking around with Kelly (who is a guy by the way), talking about StarCraft. We discussed which races we liked (me-the Zurg, Kelly-the Terrans), the books (he said I should get through the second one really quickly because the third is really good), and online playing (I don’t play online 1. my computer isn’t compatible with StarCraft 2. the computer I play it on isn’t internet-compatible 3. I really suck against human opponents).

The fact that someone actually talked to me is amazing. The fact that someone geeked out with me is unbelievable. All it took for this to happen was me to whip out my StarCraft book (#2) during Social Studies and Kelly to go “Is that the first or the second?”

If Only School Really Was Like Freaks and Geeks

Once upon September of 1999, nine years ago, there was a awesome TV show that aired 12 episodes. It was later canceled due to poor ratings. Another 6 episodes were released months later after the cancelation. It was about high school in the 1980’s; typical stereotypes abound.

I find that school in real life could be so much easier with those stereotypes. You’d know where you stand. Now, there are just 2 groups: the people with friends and the people without. The friends stick together and those without wander the halls alone or perhaps find an engaging book in the library.

—————-
Now playing: Ｇａｃｋｔ – Rain
via FoxyTunes

First Day of Semester 2

And zomgz, I is tired. Caring about English Grammar is non-existant.

My classes are ok. I already dislike math. Film Studies is excellent; we are doing a whole unit just on Tim Burton. Culinary Arts intimidates me a little. And social… what to say? My teacher for this last class is extremely, shall we say, flamboyant. I would’ve said that he was gay, but he wears a wedding band. And in Alberta, gay marriage is not legal. So that rules that out.

But in other news, I am psyched for our film studies unit on Burton. We are going to watch clips from Vincent, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Batman Returns, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Beetlejuice, and practically all his works with exception of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Planet of the Apes, and Big Fish.