Had A Freakout A Few Nights Ago

I threw a bit of a temper tantrum after a conversation with Maryanne and her friend when the topic came to the fact that Maryanne never really listens to what people have to say. Especially what I have to say. So, being hormonal and mood swingy from my period, I call her out on forgetting that I told her I was suicidal back in October. Already, she is acting like nothing happened. Fucking whore.

!!!

When the fuck do I get out of this bullshit world?! It’s so disgusting with all these vices and the inability to do something without money. Druggies, alcoholics, and societies based on money and depravity just piss me off so much! Humanity should be wiped out completely. Every last person and every evolutionary link to humankind needs to be annihilated.

RAWR

I suffer from too little ego and too much pride.

Stress and Anger

One of the things I got for Christmas, shittiest day of the year, was an Acer laptop. The most bitchiest piece of shit 3\/4R. Yes, that needed 1337 speak. I do believe I put down “MacBook Pro” on my list. And now they are trying to tell me that I wanted this piece of shit instead. I never said I wanted a laptop to game on. Never said that I wanted this crazy Dolby/Cine sound thing in a laptop. This thing is full of GRRRRRR. I just wanted a laptop where I could get wireless internet. This one won’t let me install the drivers because it is fucking stupid. I should bury it somewhere.

*headdesk*

When the Canadian elections came around, no one cared. De facto, only about 50% of eligible voters actually put in a vote! But now, since our newly-elected Prime Minister Stephen Harper made the mistake of not making an immediate plan for the economy, the opposition parties want to form a coalition government. Harper pussied out and ran to the Governor General so that she would suspend the parliament until sometime in late January. And everyone is fired up about this! Why? If you didn’t care who became the PM earlier in the year, why care who controls the government now? And it’s all that’s in the paper. PM Harper this, coalition government that, parliament has been suspended.

That brings me to another point: Harper’s speech last night was sorely lacking in any assurement of economic reforms. It was also very anti-Bloc Québécois. That kinda really annoyed me. He pretty much said that “The separatists are evil. We can’t have this coalition government” over and over, just in different words.

Looking at these (international) news sites, I’d say WTF. The Voice of America and BBC are even talking about this. The National Interest, too. Wow. For once, Canada has something the world wants to talk about. That isn’t about killing baby seals.

GRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Okay, I have been feeling like the living dead just of late. I’m so tired. I can’t figure out a good sleeping pattern so I don’t fall asleep in math. And pretty much every other class.

So, afterschool, I decided to look for the reason why I’m so damn tired. I found this site called Healthline. It allows you to list the symptoms of what you are feeling and it will give you a list of what could be wrong with you. And every time I do the freaking thing, it keeps telling me that I either have major depression or bipolar disorder II.

I don’t like the prospect of being bipolar. And I just so happen to have most of the symptoms of bipolar disorder II. I also know that this thing is not a real diagnosis; as mentioned before, it is only a list of what could be wrong with me. I don’t like it just the same.

So I Was Having A Good Day…

I went to the mall today. The walk there was wonderful; a cool breeze, warm sun, and the smell of food drifting in the air. The mall itself, though, was pretty unpleasant. It was completely crowded (I hate crowds) and people wouldn’t stop looking at me like I was something disgusting. The stores I went to didn’t have what I wanted so I’ll have to order them. On the way home, one of those stupid, yappy little dogs attacked me. Fucking dog.

Why me? Why? I’m not ugly, so there’s no need to stare. I don’t wear outlandish clothing, neither do I wear your stupid Aberzombie & Bitch clothes. I wear plain clothing that is COMFORTABLE. I’m quite aware I have geeky glasses, but, again, this is no reason to stare or glare or frown at me.

Random Bitterness

On the day that we set out on our returning trip this summer, we visited dad’s mom. I can’t believe she actually asked that to dad within my earshot. While I was less than 4 feet away, no less. I was petting Kitty in the front doorway and they were in the next room over. Out of the blue, she asked dad if I hated my relatives because I don’t talk to anyone. Well, you old wrinkly bitch, it’s kinda hard to get all chatty-like with people you hardly know because you live on the opposite side of the country to them and and you suffer from social anxiety AND all these people you don’t know are crammed in your old mouldy house that’s been standing too long with you and no elbow room. Add to that the sickening smell of various grilled meats and perfume and cologne and dogs. Your house is not a pleasant place. And I don’t find my relatives very pleasant, either.

This sounds so cold, doesn’t it? But it’s me and I can’t change that.

It’s Almost That Time Of Year Again…

I hate family vacations. Why? They always involve going to New Brunswick and no internet for a month. It also, unfortunately, includes me losing some sanity and becoming suicidal. It’s a nice place to visit for a week or two, but a month? No.

First off, I will be packed into a fully loaded minivan, driven across the country during a 4 or 5 day period, and be forced to eat foods that are not entirely vegetarian-friendly. Secondly, I will have to stay in a house that has been standing in isolation for roughly 200 years. Old houses are not as romantic as they are made out to be. Also, this house has the most hideous wallpaper. Come on! Light pink roses against forest green. *vomit* Thirdly, I will have to stay in Andy’s old room to better preserve my sanity because my room there makes me break down. Fourthly, I will be driven into a minor state of insanity. Fifthly, SPIDERS THE SIZE OF TOONIES. I shall take pictures with my camera to show the world these monstrosities. And the fact that there’s A HUGE FUCKING NEST OF THEM OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Sixthly, NO INTERWEBS!!!! I shall suffer… Lastly, I will be packed into the van again for a week long trip back. There I will be picking up the pieces of my mind and duct taping them together.

The only thing to look forward to is seeing Andy, Chris, Matt F *swoon*, and Emily. Also, the rest of the cousins, relatives, ect. Why are most of my relatives in New Brunswick? And all-too-soon, it will only be me and Ben living out here in Alberta. Mary Anne and dad are moving back to NB in a bout 5 years.

Speaking of leaving, why do all the people I care about or admire leave me? I find these awesome people, but I never know them for long. It’s cruel.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Every single time you make progress, I swear on my mother’s grave that you sabotage yourself deliberately. People think you’re faking all this for attention. Sometimes I wonder…

Is anger the answer? Are tears the answer? I get so angry. I cry for you. Neither has done much. I feel helpless. I try to do everything I can, but it seems to amount to nothing as you just push help away.

Mercurial Funk

These past months, my mind and my emotions have been playing tug-o-war with my sanity. My emotions have been changing faster than quicksilver can flow and I’ve been arguing with myself about whether I’m depressed, bipolar, depersonalized, or if this is all in my head. I have these surges of frustration, extreme rage and sadistic/murderous feelings. They are brief; they last up to 5 seconds. Brief as they are, I need every ounce of energy in this body to resist hurting and/or killing people around me. I think I can understand what Caitlin said about feeling like it’s either suicide or the injury/death of people around her.

I’m Pissed Off Enough To Kill

“I’m probably going to cut again. I don’t fucking care anymore.”

You know what, Caitlin? Other people DO care! I am SICK of alternating between misery and anger that’s reserved just for you. What do you have to be so whiny about? Maybe, just maybe, I ought to stop caring about you. You are just dragging me down. Perhaps I might wish that you’ll cut too deep. Perhaps I might even want to shove every single fucking pill you have down your throat. I’m so pissed.

You Know What? I Have Some Bitching To Do

I do have some of teh angry and da grr to get out. You’d think that teachers would wait til the second day of the second semester to do any work, as most kids skip the first day of the semester. BUUUT Miyagishima was all like: “Omigosh, there’s hardly anyone in class. Let’s launch straight into trig.” Hamilton, my oh-so-flamboyant teacher I was going to leave unnamed, said something similar: “Your final exam for this class will be mainly based upon the French Revolution. Here’s an 80 page booklet I’d like done by Friday.”

PFFT. Teachers.

What. The. Fuck.

How unfair is it for a 16 year old girl to take care of her disabled mother by herself? All of a sudden I’m just so pissed off! I have no clue where this anger came from. Caitlin is only 16. She also has to deal with school, her asthma, her ADHD. She deals with enough anxiety that she has resorted to cutting. That’s more than enough problems for a teenager. Just what did she do to deserve this? On top of this, she may be going to the hospital soon for observation. Her dangerous habit of cutting has been found out and everyone around her knows now.

No Longer Filled With Teh Angry and Da Grr.

I played the AFI game today. I beat the AFI game today. How? Via Vern’s computer. Took me only 2 hours, no, LESS than 2 hours to beat it. It’s intelligence-insulting. But I absolutely love the Jade Tree. I never knew you could grow Jade on a tree.

Random thought while watching the IHAVe DVD: You can see AFI’s tattoos through their white clothing. IF they are wearing some sort of undergarment, WHY can’t you see them?

Of Accidents and Annoyance

*is currently remembering the laws of friction* When you rub two things together, you generate heat. Also, the two things being rubbed together will break down. Hence the unintended eraser burn on my arm. Eraser burns hurt like a BITCH. Even worse than a razor-inflicted cut.

I just found an AFI game made by a fan. I downloaded it. I tried to play it. Did it work? No, cuz Windows Vista is a bitch. Fills me with teh angry and da grr. I want to see the Jade Tree! And I want to actually see Davey say (in the game) “Hi, I’m Davey. I’m an alcoholic”. Then there’s Danzig and his fictional twin Giznad. Apparently Matt Skiba loses his head in the game, too. Also, there’s appearances from Nick 13, Tim Armstrong, and others like former band mates Mark and Geoff. Teh angry and da grr, I tell you!!!

—————-
Now playing: AFI – This Time Imperfect
via FoxyTunes

DON’T! SPEAK! MY! DON’T SPEAK MY NAME!!!

So now you’ll love my screams
What’s left of me?
Love my screams like she does

Fuck. I hate it when dad talks to me, let alone under the influence of booze. I just wanted to walk away. But they already suspect I hate them. Do they care? Mary Anne has accused me of hating dad.

It won’t be all right despite what you say
Just watch the stars tonight as they, as they disappear, disintegrate
And I disintegrate ’cause this hate is fucking real
And I hope to shade the world as stars go out and I disintegrate

I… break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away
Break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away
… Heart away
HEEYAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

This anger burns out quickly, and leaves me empty. AFI rob me of my anger, my hate, my bad emotions. I thank them for it. Now, I think I’ll watch the making of Love Like Winter just to see Adam prance around with the coat around his waist. Silly guy. It makes me laugh so hard.